Top Ten things to say to trick-or-treaters

I'm just saying I know where's he coming from.

I hate Halloween.  It was a great excuse for burning stuff and drinking flagons of cider when I was 14 but I have no use for it now.  I’m currently sitting in the back room of my deliberately pitch-dark house in the hope of keeping the usual array of greedy children and their imposing parents away from my door.

But in the event that a group of little brats wearing pointy hats and wrapped in shower curtains start ringing the doorbell, I’ve got a few lines ready that will ensure they don’t call in next year.

 

10. “Hey, don’t stand out there in the cold.  I’ve just downloaded the new Michael Jackson movie.  Come on in!”

9. “Hey, baby. You look good.”

8. “Personally I don’t think you should have any treats. You don’t want to end up a fat ass like your dad here, do you?”

7. “I heard that there are demons in the area that are going to hide under your beds and hack you to death during the night.  Did you guys hear that?”

6. “Sorry but due to the weak sterling exchange rate I have to charge this year.  That’ll be  €11 please.”

5. “Great timing kids.  I’m just back from the supermarket and they had a special offer on purple seeded grapes. “

4. “Get off my property!  You’re trespassing!”

3. “It’s mad to think that statistically 4 of you will experience your parents divorcing.”

2. “It’s mad to think that statistically 2 of you are gay.”

1. “What are you supposed to be?  Because you look shit.”

My first acupuncturism

After over a year struggling with this bloody Achilles injury and having chalked sports massage, physiotherapy and reiki off the list of possible solutions, I decided to drop in to the herb and acupuncture store* – for yes, we have such a thing – at my local shopping centre.

I’ve never once walked by it in the company of someone who didn’t pass remark “how does that place stay open?”  But having researched online, there was a reasonable percentage of people saying that acupuncture was in fact helpful for tendonitis.

So a pleasant Chinese woman (presumably – the Chinese bit I mean, not the presumption that she was a woman) told me that I could get a free consultation and told me to “take a seat” before adding “not literally!” and laughing hysterically.  No, no – she didn’t say the last bit.

A minute later this young, earnest guy directs a middle-aged, confused looking Chinese man to a curtained-off cubicle next to me and then ushers me in afterwards.  He explains that the other man was the doctor and that he was going to translate for him.  Now the translator bit always throws me.  Ultimately I’m communicating with the person who doesn’t speak my language but I’m directing my information through the conduit of a second human being who gets all my attention during my speaking bit.

So I’m making eye contact with the translator who is then passing on the information to the doctor.  I look to the doctor with a rather gormless pursed-lip grin that I’m sure he could do without and then I’m going back to the translator with raised eyebrows, wondering if in fact the nature of my ailment had been properly communicated.

It’s a tense, critical moment.  Of course, my phone rings.  If it wasn’t bad enough for the wise healer to hear this he then had to endure this as the cancelled-caller left a voicemail.

Thankfully we overcame this hurdle and the doctor said he could improve my condition with some acupuncture and medical massage.  The numbers sounded a bit scary but I figured I’d poured so much money in to other forms of therapy and massage without relief that I’d give it a shot.

I lay on my back and the doctor jabbed a half dozen or so pins in to various parts of my body.  Just over my head was a sketched poster of a naked man that identified the “Acupoints” (a completely made-up word I’m sure) on our bodies.  Sure enough the points highlighted around my ankle/heel were the various points where I felt a little prick (speaking of which, on the poster, because they wanted to highlight acupoints on the inner thigh, they only semi-obscured his organ – and it still looked massive).

Meanwhile, the doctor is looking at me for a reaction as he prods my Achilles and occasionally utters something that sounds like “meh?” but I took to be him asking if there was any pain.  It wasn’t like he was saying the Chinese word for “pain”, I think he was just lacking conviction on the whole English language thing.

He sods off for 20 minutes and it was quite a relaxing experience I have to say.  He comes back to me, whips out the pins, says “ok?” and then brings in a barrel of what looks like warm sewage.  He gestures at a chair as if to say “sit on this chair and submerge your foot in to this barrel of ancient Chinese medicine”, looks at me and says “ten minutes”.  I guess they have some sort of phrase book to get them through the day.

This barrel of sewage, or whatever, was bloody lovely.  Oh, sure, there was what felt like a half-eaten Mars Duo at the bottom but that’s ok.  I mean…I’m sure it was just a Mars Duo.

So he comes back in, dries off my foot (after gesturing to me to sit on the edge of the bed again but I have to say it was a bit ambiguous) and then followed up with another gesture to lie down on my back again.  I do so and he gets working on my foot, massaging like a mad man.  It was a bit sore but I suppose that’s the point.

Then – get this – he stands up and says “face down, please”.  Now, hold on a second!  I’m buying in to this whole ancient, mystical Chinese thing because you can’t speak any bloody English!  And here you are practically asking me what I do for a living and if I’ve any plans for the weekend.  What a letdown!  I can only imagine that once I left he kicked his shoes off and put on “The Wire” boxset.

My image of this all-knowing doctor only being a step away from the this guy has been blown out of the water.  But at the same time it was quite an interesting experience so I’ve booked in for a second round.  Plus they gave me some anti-inflammatories and this Chinese massage oil that is so strong it actually rips your skin off and melts your bone.  I’m all about that.

* Mind you, I’m a bit concerned about this.

The fallacy of democracy

Undemocracy

News out of Ireland this week is that it is undemocratic to be given a vote on the future of your country.

Declan Ganley - whoever he is.

Declan Ganley, a millionaire businessman whose opposition to the Lisbon Treaty saw him become a TV star along the lines of X-Factor or something, said: “The Irish people had a vote on the Lisbon Treaty. They voted No. A higher percentage of the electorate voted no than voted for Barack Obama in the United States of America. No one’s suggesting he should run for re-election next month.”

Cute quote.

The argument is that once you vote on something, that’s it.  No more votes.  ”No” means no.  Of course it hasn’t worked this way in the past as Deco and his fellow No to Lisbon-ites well know.

Divorce and Divorce II

In 1986, when Ireland was asked to vote on the existing prohibition of divorce, the country overwhelmingly rejected it by 63% to 36%; almost 2-to-1.  Rather “undemocratically” we were all asked to vote again on the same issue nine years later since the re-elected Fine Gale government of the time refused to accept the previous will of the Irish people.  That time the vote was carried by a margin of 9,000 votes or 0.5%.

I wonder how many people who were happy to be able to get a second chance to vote “yes” to divorce in 1995 are now crying foul over Lisbon II?

In 1983 the country enforced a constitutional ban on abortion that leaves Ireland in the company of the likes of Chile, El Salvador, Malta and Nicaragua as places with outright bans. Isn’t it about time we revisited that issue now? Or does “no” still mean no in this case?  I’m confused.

How about in a case where Northern Ireland has a referendum on the unification of the island of Ireland – if the answer was “no” would that be the final time we’d vote on that?  Would Sinn Féin (steadfast opponents of Lisbon II) concur to a second vote in that instance?

Unqualified voters

Divorce and abortion are social issues that everybody can relate to.  The Lisbon Treaty is a vague and complex document (seemingly open to no end of interpretations) of which a large number of people have – understandably – insufficient understanding.  It’s probably fair to say that a lot of people should be considered unqualified to vote on Lisbon given that lack of understanding.

Look how easy it is to manipulate those who are ignorant by scaring them with groundless pap such as that voting “no” will lead to a loss of jobs and isolation or that voting “yes” will lead to abortion, conscription to a European army (they’ve been wheeling that one out since 1973) and a minimum wage of €1.84 an hour.  How is that democratic?

Democracy in action

Ganley’s complaint that “no” means no is a nice catchphrase when the re-vote doesn’t suit your agenda.  It would be great if democracy was perfect but of course it isn’t.  It is tainted by one side or the other having more charismatic spokespeople, more funding, better media coverage, or just being superior at using the truth more economically.  It’s a bit imperfect, like the justice system I suppose – and that’s why we have retrials.

If we have a referendum every day and nobody is excluded from voting then this is democracy in action.  The result will always be the will of the people.  I have no problem with this.

I elected someone to vote for me

I’m all for a Constitution as it helps provide a country with a legal and moral framework.  But I don’t want to have to spend a Friday afternoon voting on a document that I will never truly understand.  I think the government should pass legislation like this without having to bother me about it.  It’s not like it fundamentally changes the core principles of the state such as neutrality, abortion or economic autonomy.  Right?

Or isn’t anyone sure yet?

The pitfalls of being an online importer/exporter

I stuck an ad up on Gumtree offering a laptop I’m not using all that much and within a few hours I had a response.  Easy money!

Daniel Lewis (danielewiss@yahoo.com) wrote me and said: “Thinking about what to have for a special gift to my colleage till i found your item, would Like to know if still available for sale.”

So I wrote back and told Daniel (since we’re on first name terms now) that it was a cracking laptop and so on.  His next response was lengthy and telling.

“Thanks for your returning my mail, As i have mentioned, i will be glad if truly you can be sincere with me, i am getting this item for special gift to my colleage which i need the item to get ther befor the 26th of sept and its should be sent to Walthamtow via Royal Mail International Singed For, Although i’ m suppose to take the item there myself but its will look more special having it direct and cause of my absent in town now, going for a complete project in Paris, you know what that means, i need a well seal packed for it,

More so i like to know the present condition of the item also, i will really appreciate if you can kindly post the item asap, which i will be offering you the sum of £70 for postage and packaging of the items to Walthamstow…

I would be glad and sincerely wish deal together through PayPal Online Auction, cause i believe its safe for both of us and so if you re really interesting in selling out the item to me, kindly get back to me with your Pay Pal Email and your Full Name when registering for the pay pal together with the cost of the item and the postage fee, cause i wouldn’t want any mistake in this transaction.

I await your quick response and don’t forget to send me along your phone # as well.”

Now I was 99% sure this is a scam.  And here are the reasons why.

1. His email address (danielewiss@yahoo.com)

Daniel Lewis is a perfectly acceptable name for anyone (unless you do something stupid like add a “Day” in to the middle).  But it seems a bit strange that you would choose to completely misspell your name in your email address just because daniellewis@ was not available.

2. Grammar and other nonsense

Ever hear of 419 scams?  Well they come from Nigeria and are characterized by rather stilted English.  In Daniel’s message above the use of phrases like “I will be glad if truly you can be sincere with me” and “I would be glad and sincerely wish deal together…” reek of 419ness.

The circumstances that he gives for not being able to do the deal in person (which is the point of Gumtree) are contrived: he’s in Paris and his colleage (sic) is in Walthamstow.  He also seems completely unmoved by the fact that he is giving a gift to his friend that is advertised as second hand.

Then there is the ridiculous offer of paying £70 to ship the item – probably about 3 times what it would cost.  He could buy a new one for what he is willing to pay.  I’m sure if I had priced the laptop at one billion dollars he’d still be offering to wire me the cash.

Finally there is the “deadline” of the 26th of September which I guess means he’d pressure a naive person in to sending the item before the PayPal payment (which he would have no intention of sending, naturally) was made.

Funny thing is my family are from Walthamstow so it would have been quite funny to get the address and then have them turn up there to beat the shit out of whoever was collecting it.

3. Identity theft

He wants my email, my full name and my phone number.  He doesn’t need all this information to complete a PayPal payment.  Never tell anyone anything online unless you are able to beat the shit out of them immediately afterwards.

None of it added up but I needed to dig a little more.  So I went down in to his email and found that he sent it from the IP address 41.219.214.26.  A quick visit to www.ip2location.com revealed…

Uh-huh.

It didn’t end there.  A few minutes later another message came, this time from papapilo10@live.com who was even more direct: “is still available for sale…can you get back to me with your paypal email to make the payment for you now”

Less to go on here but a willingness to pay straight away?  No questions?  No meeting?

I asked IP2Location what was going on…

Use common sense online, work off the assumption that everyone is a thieving cockface and you’ll be just fine.

22/09/09 Edit: The Netherlandic IP above is actually valid and relates to the company themselves who run the website (they forward the mails on behalf of the “buyers”).  I have since had two more spams including one from the Southwest Tennessee Community College – he wanted me to send it to his friend in Nigeria.  Unfortunately he could not collect it himself because he’s on his way to Asia…ahhhh. Cockface.)

Football Manager 2010 price drop at Zavvi

There’s the usual pre-Christmas buzz about Football Manager at the moment but – as I blogged before – I absolutely refuse to pay over the odds for it.

After a month or so of websites advertising price points of £25-30, Zavvi decided to test the mettle of the impatient buyers who already pre-ordered by selling it for £17.95 with free UK delivery.  How many who paid maybe £10 or £12 more will cancel and re-order with Zavvi?

In a time where piracy is rife, to me the logic is very simple.  Charge less for the product and increase your sales.  I have now gone from a position of not buying it to buying it.

Support the consumer!  Buy from Zavvi!

Championship Manager 2010 “does” a Radiohead

Championship Manager (CM) was the all-conquering football management game franchise until the original creators, Sports Interactive, left the fold.  They went on to regenerate the Football Manager brand and have topped the charts since 2004 while CM has floundered with a series of much-criticised releases.

CM skipped their 2008 release in order to concentrate on really putting a quality product out in 2009.  Last week they released their CM2010 demo (to a fair share of cricitism) and today made a startling announcement when series manager Roy Meredith revealed that the game would be available for as little as 1p.

You can now pre-order the game on www.champmanstore.com until midnight on September 10th choosing to pay as much or as little as you like with the addition of a £2.50 handling charge.  The game can then be downloaded from the site on release day.  After this time it will be available at the usual retail price of £25.

This is thought to be the first time that the game industry has seen such a move and it has taken many by surprise.  Game publishers Eidos are following the lead of rock band Radiohead’s decision to release their 2007 album “In Rainbows” on their website with the cost decided by the downloader.  There are differing views on whether or not it was a success but when the album was released on CD three months later it went to number one in the UK and US.

The potential difference between CM2010 and “In Rainbows” is that the latter received overwhelmingly strong reviews.  If the reaction to last week’s demo is anything to go by, CM may have a tougher time convincing the music-buying public that their product is worth paying full price for.

But if they do release a competent game (and after playing the demo for a short while I think they are closer than they’ve ever been in the last five years) then there’s no doubt that this move is great publicity for the brand.

I blogged last November about Football Manager 2009 and what was, in my view, a cynical increase of more than £5 on the usual price point of £18 or £19.  Here we were, already tasting recession and rather than keep the price low, they (retailers? publishers?) put it up.  Needless to say I found an alternative way to play the game and did so until I found a reasonable deal six weeks after release.

Football Manager 2009 receipt

With Football Manager popping up at a pre-sale price-point of about £25-29 again this year, I certainly will not be buying until it drops below £20.  However, my interest is certainly piqued by the Championship Manager offer and with the option of paying as little as £2.51 for it – the cost of a coffee – it’s hard to see how one could turn that down.

How many others are there out there like me?

I assume that Eidos have done their maths here and this move is all about getting the game in to more hands and rebuilding the brand for future releases.  CM2010 may not make them any money but next year’s game may benefit.

My first man-ssage

With a string of female sports masseuses having moved on at my gym I was left with the ultimate dilemma today – do I let a boy touch my naked body?

Over the last five years I’d gone through a number of masseuses: a former Olympian badminton player (badmintor?), an Asian girl who asked me every week without fail how (a) my girlfriend was and (b) my cats were, a very pleasant Dubliner with no particular character traits, a hard-ass with a pronounced growl, a very sweet girl who was young enough to be my daughter (if I had known what to do with it at 14) and a lovely but easily flustered Spanish girl who was the first and only one to effect inadvertent ‘towel rise’.

After a three month gap (possibly self-enforced after the above-mentioned rise of the machine incident) I knew I had to re-visit for my ever-worsening Achilles injury.  I checked in today to find that there was no masseuse…it was time for my first masseur.

Ed Kowalczyk - who looks like a masseur I "know"

I don’t have a picture of him (hey, I’m lying almost naked in a room with him – last thing I’m going to do is whip out a camera) but I can assure you that he looked like Ed Kowalczyk, lead singer of Pennsylvania four-piece, Live.  Seriously, spitting image.

So we start off with me lying on my stomach in just boxers shorts, a flimsy towel masking the fact that I shop at Pennys.  Ed (for let us refer to him as such) is working the calf muscle, diligently digging his thumbs in to my … calf muscle.  At this point (back in the days when women did this sort of thing) I’d usually be making small talk – you know, stuff like “how long have you been doing this?  what do you do for fun? do you like strawberry blond rockers with excessive body hair?“.

But today, with Ed working it, I found myself unable to relate.  I had nothing to talk to him about.  Occasionally he would see me wince and utter something like “Is it too hard?” to which I would mentally glance south and almost reply “Nope, sleeping like a baby…” before realising what he was talking about.

The kicker here is that the massage room is actually very romantic.  The lighting is deliberately subtle while the deep-yellow electric fire in the corner emits no heat but hypnotically meshes with the piano-led ambient music that repeats about six times in the hour.  It is supposed to relax you, transport you to an ethereal landscape where there is nothing around you except the sound of nature and a guy with a large selection of Yamaha keyboards.

As we entered the closing minutes of our rendezvous he yanked the towel clear and insisted I lie on my back while he observed how my feet “dangled” off the edge of the massage table.  This was a real test of my mettle.  I mean he’d already said the word “dangle”.

After he observed my something-or-other muscle (in my calf) and told me that I needed to crouch and bend a bit to fix it, we then got in to a slightly longer than anticipated discussion about nutrition and stretching with me sitting in just my pants.  In the days of masseuses there is no way I’d be pants-exposed like that for more than a second or so.  It was the ultimate test…and I passed it.

I now know I am capable of being boy-touched without any adverse reaction.  I am capable of maintaining eye contact with a boy massage person while sitting in just a tight-fitting pair of off-black boxers.  I have learnt much today.

Mind you, I’d still prefer a cracking bird next time.

Metallica back on tour

Will I or won’t I…again?  Eh…I think I’ll skip it this year.

Two-thirds of Ryanair customers would stand for free flight

The other third surveyed were women.

Songs written about bandstands

Here are a list of my favourite songs written about bandstands.

1. The Bandstand – a-ha

Actually that’s the only one I know.